If you just logged on go back and read parts 1-4.
Okay. Thanks for all the encouragement in your comments. However, if you think I was proud of myself you're saddly mistaken. I felt horrible. My sweet baby only needs a few things in life and I just threw out one of the most important to him. I do have a heart and at that moment it was breaking for him. However, I am also a person who makes a decision because it's right and not because it's feels good. And compassion in me has a limit.
So, I let him cry. I carried him as he continued to cry and wipe his nose on my shoulder and drop Teddy and drag blanket and cry and cry and cry. He doesn't mention the word "pi" but he doesn't have to. His crying is sufficient. Every once in a while Mom, Aunt Judy and Uncle John look back to check on us. They too now have sad eyes and are a little worried for us both. They've been where I am, they understand that even if it's best, it's still difficult. Mom offers to carry Colin for me. I decline. I created this mess, I'll clean it up. Thanks anyway.
This compassion went on for the time it took us to walk all the way through the parking structure and into the beginnings of the Casino. Colin weighs 42 pounds and he's 3 1/2 feet tall. This is not a baby here. And although I have some strength, I am tired, my back hurts, I'm hungry, and I have nothing left to give. I tell Colin he's going to have to walk. He refuses. Who can blame him. He's still crying. I say, "Colin. Stop crying. There's nothing we can do about the pi now. So stop crying." He continues to cry. We're now into the Casino, people are in every direction. It's bright, it's noisy, it reeks of cigarette smoke, and the all too familiar sound of ding ding ding ding from the slots is pounding in my head. Colin is still crying. He's getting heavier. I'm trying to keep up with the others. Don't want to get lost in this place, hoping Uncle John knows where he's going. Keeping my eyes on Mom's heels and plowing on. Ding ding ding ding, cry cry cry, smoke, noise, lights, cry cry cry, ding ding ding, cry cry cry....Finally, this momma loses her cool.
I set Colin down in the middle of the walk way in Harrahs Casino. All around are people, noise, lights, smoke, etc. But it was weird because as I focused on Colin and only Colin, the rest became a blur. I got down on my knees (no I did not pray - should've but no), I look at Colin eye to eye. I say, "Colin, this is enough. Stop crying right now. It's enough." Colin cries more and wants to be held. I look at him again. I say, "Colin, I'm serious. Stop crying right now or I'll throw Teddy and the Blanket in the trash." pause....Colin literally sucks it up. Crying stops. He stares at me. I say, "Can you walk please?" "Okay. But will you carry Teddy and my blanket?" "Gladly." He takes my hand and we follow Mom who's following Aunt Judy who's following Uncle John and we make it through the Casino in one piece. Remarkable. I'm reeling at what just happened. I'm stunned! I can't believe that this is the end of it. Really? That's it? We're done?
We get outside. The entrance to McDs is upstairs. Colin is tired by now of walking. I pick him up to get him up the stairs. We get in line. I order for Colin and myself and Katreena. Mom talks Colin into going with her to find a seat. I pay and get drinks. I've ordered Colin a milk. I give it to Mom who gets a straw and opens it for Colin. He's parched. He drinks his milk. The food gets done. There's some mess up with it, it's not all there, they have to figure that out. I wait. Colin is with the group at a table. I get catchup and napkins and wait. Finally, it's all there. I take it to the table. Colin wants to sit in my lap. He's finished his milk. I ask if he wants to eat something. He shakes his head no. He puts in his head on my chest and within seconds is fast asleep. The reprieve was desperate and we all took a deep breath glad to be through that. The rest of the meal was pleasant. We ate, talked, laughed, rested. Then it was time to go. Calculating the walk back with a sleeping child started to make me fret. Uncle John offered to carry him but I knew if Colin woke up in Uncle John's arms in the middle of Harrahs, he would be scared and we would in trouble. I said, "I can carry him if you guys will carry Teddy, the blanket and my purse. Everyone agreed to haul something. We start out. We get back down the stairs and Colin wakes up. He's alert, rested, and not going back to sleep. I try to get him to walk. He refuses. I don't press it. I carry him. But he's much easier to carry awake than asleep. We move on.
On the way, Colin says, "Mommy, remember when you threw my pi in the trash?" "Yes. I remember. Do you remember why I threw your pi in the trash?" Silence. "I threw your pi in the trash because you were acting ugly and bad behavior has consequences." "Mommy, can you get my pi out of the trash?" "Nope, the trash-man took it away. It's gone. Gone forever." Silence. "Can the trash-man bring it back?" "I don't think so. I think that once a trash-man takes the trash it's gone." "Mommy, do you have another pi?" "Nope. I only brought one. Sorry." Now this was a lie. I never leave home wihtout a pi and I also never leave home without a back-up. I not only had another. I had two. This is when the conversation with myself started.
"Do I give him another pi?"
"Are you crazy? Absolutely not!"
"But, my behavior was a little irrational."
"So. You can't go back now. You know how you hate that thing. It's time."
"You're right. It's time. No since in going back."
"Oh, you'll not only be going back but you'll have lost all respect."
"You're right. But when JD hears this story, he's not gonna be happy."
"It doesn't matter. He wasn't here. He's just gong to have to support you."
"Maybe I won't tell him."
"Yeah right! You won't have to. Colin will tell him for you."
"Oh, Lord have mercy. I've got to tell him first."
"No more pi!"
"No more pi!"
We finally arrive at the hotel. I set Colin down. I tell him it's time to get into his PJs. He and Katreena can lay in the bed and watch TV until night-night time and then we'll go to bed on the pull-out later. He complies. As I'm getting him dressed he asks again. "Mom, do you have another pi?" "No son, I only brought the one." "But can you look in your bag, maybe you forgot about one." "I don't have one." "Can we call the trash-man to bring it back?" "I don't know. Maybe you can write him a letter." "If I write a letter, will he bring it back?" "I don't know." Then with his BIG BLUE eyes flooded with tears he says to me, "Mommy, I miss my pi." The grief was palpable and my heart just broke for him. I gathered him up realizing that what he needed most was what his pi gave him and that was comfort. It occurred to me at that moment that I must replace his pi and offer comfort as much as I can without going back on what we had just accomplished. I was willing to do this. I held him tightly. I told him again I was sorry for his loss and I really meant it. I told him it would be okay. He recovered and crawled in bed with Katreena to watch something on TV. I retired to the kitchen table with Mom, Aunt Judy and Uncle John. All were on my side and agreed that this was best. I told them, this was all good and fine until JD heard about this story and then I was going to be in serious trouble.
....to be continued.
The most important blog post I'll ever write
1 year ago